When You Can’t Stop Worrying or Thinking About Your Mistakes
Have you ever found your mind thinking non-stop about something that’s painful and clearly not good for you, such as reliving your past mistakes or worrying, but didn’t know how to stop? The thoughts feel so real and true that they start to take over your life. You may try to distract yourself by staying busy, but when you are alone, those thoughts come back to haunt you and make you feel miserable.
Because everything happens in your own mind, you might feel that you are alone in your struggle, but I assure you that many people find it challenging and wish they knew what to do when they experience obsessive thoughts on repeat.
We’ll take a look at what is happening in our minds when we are obsessing over mistakes or worrying. Then, I’ll show you what to do instead so you can help yourself stop and so something helpful for your mind instead.
When Your Mind Keeps Reliving Your Mistakes and Worst Moments
“Why did I say that to her? I can’t believe I said that. I’m such an idiot. What’s wrong with me? She must think I’m an idiot and probably won’t talk to me again… That reminds me of that other time I let my friends down. Why do I always do that? I feel hopeless.”
What is happening
In this example, the mind is hyper-focused on a mistake made in a social context. This brings strong negative emotions of shame and guilt, and the mind goes on to catastrophize (“probably won’t talk to me again”). The current emotional state of shame and guilt triggers another memory associated with shame and guilt (“reminds me of the other time I let my friends down”), and self-blaming (“why do I always do that?”) continues.
What to do instead
When you spot a similar pattern happening in your own mind, first STOP and become AWARE of the thoughts. You are NOT your thoughts. You and your thoughts are separate entities like this:
Too often we become “fused” (become one with) our thoughts, which makes us feel like whatever thoughts we are having in that moment are undisputable truths.
That’s simply not true. Thoughts are mental events that pass through our minds. A study suggests that an average person can have about 6,000 thoughts per day. Thoughts come and go countless times throughout the day.
Emotionally charged thoughts like the above can really catch our attention, making us focus on them exclusively and intensify them. Practice detaching yourself from thoughts. Remember that you are NOT your thoughts. A simple trick is to imagine seeing your thoughts on a movie screen as if you are watching as thoughts appear and disappear on the screen. You may notice this mental activity takes an edge off the emotional pain brought on by the thoughts.
Instead of trying to fight, deny, or go along with the thoughts, just note and acknowledge that you are having these thoughts. You may say “I’m having a thought that… I’m a failure, my friends will leave me, etc.”
Notice the tendency of the mind to bring up similar memories associated with your current emotional state. If you are feeling ashamed and guilty, it’s likely that those emotions will trigger other memories related to shame and guilt.
Before you get sucked into a loop of painful memories, stop and label the emotions as you detach and observe your own thoughts. It hurts to feel shame and guilt, so why pile on more shame and guilt through other memories?
You might want to tell yourself something like “I acknowledge I’m feeling shame and guilt right now, and it hurts.” Be gentle with yourself, and let the feelings pass without stretching them out with other memories. Thoughts and feelings inevitably pass if we acknowledge and leave them alone.
When Your Mind Keeps Worrying
“I want to go to the party, but what if I have anxiety or worse yet, have another panic attack? I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of others. What’s wrong with me? I wish I was normal. I feel so anxious. I couldn’t even handle being in a grocery store the other day, so how am I supposed to make it through a party?”
What is happening
The mind is worrying about a future event and recalling a specific fear (“embarrass myself in front of others”). It goes on to self-criticize, self-blame, and doubt own ability to successfully handle the event.
What to do instead
When we worry, it’s as if the imagined negative outcome (e.g., having anxiety at the party) is happening right now, and it appears unavoidable. When we have this mindset, even if we somehow make it to the party, we increase the likelihood of actually having anxiety and not enjoying the party.
As in the first example, first pause and acknowledge the thought (i.e., “I’m having a thought that I’ll have anxiety and embarrass myself”). Gain some distance from the emotionally charged thought so you can regain composure and objectivity.
An anxious state of mind generates more anxious thoughts and disastrous future scenarios, so let’s change this state into a calmer state of mind.
Anxious thoughts often have an impact on our bodies. Take a moment to scan your body, noticing any discomfort (e.g., tight shoulders, pit in the stomach, restlessness) and other sensations.
Take a long, deep breath in and exhale slowly to release any tension in your body, noticing the physical sensation of letting go. Continue to breathe a few more times like this. Count slowly 1-2-3-4 as you breathe in and 1-2-3-4-5-6 as you breathe out.
When you start to feel calm, think about what you actually want, not what you don’t want. Imagine feeling relaxed, making enjoyable conversations, and having a good time at that party. Imagine speaking confidently and making your point during that work meeting.
Our minds are powerful and can create what we imagine into reality. If we can create anxiety, we can create calmness and confidence as well.
Summary
Whenever you find your mind stuck in obsessive, unhelpful thought loops, practice doing the following:
Remind yourself that you are NOT your thoughts.
Acknowledge your thoughts (“I’m having a thought that…”) and start to detach from them. If it helps, imagine your thoughts on a movie screen or as thought bubbles.
Do a quick body scan and take a few deep breaths to release tension and feel calm.
Think about what you want, not what you don’t want.